Why I, A Legal Aid to Trump’s Legal Team, Would Be A Great Fit For Your Legal Affairs Position

To address the bloated elephant in the room: yes, I spent time in one of the most “cruel”, “illegal”, and “uniquely dumb” administrations in recent memory. However, my time spent simping for the Trump administration would actually benefit to you! I am an expert with what is legal, what is not legal, and what is “legal”. During my extenuated short tenure, we oscillated between the three. Often times this was always done against, or in accordance with, my explicitly ambiguous advice.

I am light on my feet and able to handle whatever the day throws at me. Literally. I was just about to have a late lunch of wet soup with Marjorie Taylor Greene when QAnon patriots and/or Antifa scum stormed the capital. I had to dodge many a flung Trump flag and proverbial verbal abuse. Amidst the commotion, I innocuously fired off “Today’s the day” on Twitter. Legally, I was referencing my lunch date with Ms. Marjorie.

Furthermore, I am details-based, well-organized, and comfortable with long hours. I spent many nights on Parlor and 8chan, collecting Q crumbs like a beady, greedy little Hansel. As you may or may not know, QAnon is more a loose network of beliefs and gut feelings, rather than a coherent and explainable series of events. This necessitated a lot of focus and attention. Not to mention all the Wayfair furniture I had to throw out and burn. Despite the personal inconvenience, I was able to synthesize the information and regurgitate the crumbs, babybirding picture-centric information into President’s Daily Briefing. And if you think it’s as easy of pulling clip art to show a shirtless, six-packed Trump defeating the demon-crats and child pollesters, you’d be wrong!

You can ask any of my previous employers, I am willing to do whatever it takes to win a case. When all of 45’s lawyers quit in protest, I was asked to find new representation for the impeachment. I scoured D.C. for the three biggest raccoons I could find to shove into pinstripe suit. I succeeded, and in eighteen hours taught them enough legalese to confuse utterly anyone who might listen to opening arguments. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is.

I would just like to reiterate that I was not high up enough in the administration to make any policy decisions that have since borne out as potentially xenophobic, racist, transphobic, homophobic, Islamophobic, sexist, or just generally dumb. However, I was important enough to be in the rooms where the decision makers expressed their complete horrified support of the president, and provided several anonymous quotes to reporters on deep background through a can on a string in the East Room bathroom.

I understand I bear the embroidery of association with the former administration, but I can assure you: my experience is an asset. But it’s also important, due to pending lawsuits, for me to specify that I have never made a decision or even been in the administration. I hope that clears some things up.

Best,

Several sources in the Trump Administration